Thursday, March 15, 2012

B and V

A few days ago I got an awesome package from my sister in Germany. Inside was a Betty and Veronica comic.

Oh yes.

I read those.

Really they’re a throwback to childhood. My sisters and I had hundreds of Archie books that we literally read to pieces.
Probably a great deal of my naiveté comes from those comics. In Riverdale there aren’t drugs, alcohol or sex. The sauciest thing that happens is some heavy kissing between Archie and whichever girl he’s with at any given moment. Every episode Archie bounces between his two main squeezes Betty and Veronica, and every episode there’s a huge blowout about it. But then, in the next episode everyone’s cool.

There’s either a steady stream of weed coming in or a rampant lobotomist running around Riverdale, despite its squeaky clean rep.

If you’ve never read a Betty & Veronica or Archie comic, let me fill you in on the characters:

Betty – Volunteering, honor roll, goody two shoes who is so head over heels for Archie it borders on neurotic obsession.

Veronica – Insufferable rich snob with no grip on reality who, for some reason, attends a public high school despite her father’s apparent quad-tri-double google-nair status. (Imagine Kim Kardashian if she was into Gingers.)

Archie – Red haired bumbler who somehow has snagged 2 insanely hot chicks despite his proclivity for the words “gosh” and “swell”.

Jughead – A gluttonous woman disdainer whose binge eating habits are interrupted only when he is giving Archie advice. Given his penchant for handing out philosophic advice and feverishly eating everything in sight, there’s a good chance he’s the one handing out dimebags at the end of every episode.

Reggie – A self-centered, self-obsessed chauvinist who chases Veronica but never really catches her, unless she’s using him to make Archie jealous.

I realize I’ve made them sound like the worst examples of humankind, but stuff like that sells. Just watch an episode of Seinfeld.

Anyway, my sisters and I ate those things up. When we were assigned to cleaning the bathroom we would fan out a series of comics on the tank of the toilet for any guests. We considered it just an extension of our hospitality, not realizing it advertised us as unabashed bathroom readers to our friends and family.

I’m not sure what the draw was either. The artwork was subpar at best and the jokes were Clorox clean. But every road trip was accompanied by a stack of them. I think it’s because the comics became nostalgia the moment were read them. The characters and responses were so predictable it became funny. Think Mel Brooks humor, but in cheaper paper form.

All in all, those characters had really great lives. Incredible weather, awesome teachers, an old time soda shop, even the odd adventure or two. I wouldn’t mind dropping by for a while and living there. I’d just have to visit Jughead a few times to appreciate a lot of Riverdale humor….